Legends of Redwall
by Red Squirrel Writer
Summary: Snapshots of life in the Redwall MMORPG. Witness the travels, travails, and hijinks of a group of players fighting and dying for glory, honor, and the ever elusive critical sneak strike.


A/N: Brian Jacques… forgive me. This is my first, erm, parody of sorts to get over writer's block, so if it isn't funny, just forget you ever read it. I do not own Redwall.

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It was a bright day in Mossflower.

This was not surprising, since in Mossflower, it was always bright. It was always sunny, cheerful, luxuriously laid back, and completely not lacking at all in any amenities for the wandering adventurer, even when it was night, cloudy, or raining. But when it _was _sunny, it wasn't just any kind of sunny. The sun was a bright, beautiful, perfectly dime sized orb in the sky, a shining example of a verdant, wonderful sunny day was like. It was never too hot, never too beating, even during the summer when it provided a glaring sort of warmth. This sun was wonderfully in balance, just as it had been intended to be. Even the backdrop was amazing, even jaw-dropping.

The sun was set against an azure sky with puffy, large clouds that always held a promise of a refreshing drizzle just around the corner, the sun was a wonderful thing to behold. It scattered a wonderful, life-giving light all over the landscape, spreading from the golden plains and grasslands that stretched out west from Redwall Abbey, whose rocks shone like vivacious rubies, and dappled over the forest floor of Mossflower Wood. The landscape was pristine, full of life and ready for the harsh winter that every beast knew was coming. But for now, they could rejoice. For Mossflower was perfect. A peaceful bagpipe accompanied by lazy, daydreaming tunes of flutes and strings perfected the entire landscape, which was showered interminably with an aura of well-being, of summer days far gone and spring days yet to come. It had a sense of story to the entire place. It encouraged any beast to go out there and get things done, to find love or a quest or go and fight some monstrous creature.

At night, the clouds artfully hid some of the brilliant tapestry of the dark sky, a pleasing mix of purples and blues, speckled with the twinkling dust motes of ten thousand thousands of stars. In the rain, when stormy winds blew and the rain fell from above, there was a peaceful, somber air to the whole affair. Even in the depths of winter, when glittering snow covered the ground in every direction and the trees slept, and foraging was harsh and the deaths much more cruel, Mossflower held little in the way of threats or ominous goings-on. The sun even used winter as a time to be extra beautiful, to show off things like lens flare and To be sure, there were swamps, in which crawled murderous reptiles, and some of the areas like the pines were home to cackling ravens, and there were all manner of caves and underground rivers for other predators (even vermin) to prowl. But overall, it wasn't a terrible place to live at all. Some creatures had already made permanent homes here.

It was, after all, only designed to accommodate players of level 15 or lower. The largest boss monster in the whole Wood was merely a level 18 Giant Adder named "Axaramass," and a small group of adventurers could defeat him with some fancy paw-work.

All the while the environment provided a place where those who wanted to act out their adventure fantasies could work up a good appetite for it.

And that was exactly what Akron, level 8 squirrel archer extraordinaire, was planning on doing.

He had been playing Legends of Redwall for a month now, and he had only scrounged his way to level 8. To be sure, it was hard to level up since the game developers had wanted a game that was focused on immersion and involvement, not just grinding your way to godhood by button mashing. But still, he was not at all pleased with his progress. Perhaps it was not because he was a bad player. In fact he was very good. He could tap the keys like nobody's business and dance circles around any beast who was of a lower level, and fire off arrows like there was no tomorrow. That was why he had picked red squirrel as his avatar, after all. They received a 25% bonus to all ranged attacks right off the bat.

He dodged and ran over tree limbs that ranged from thick as an arm to thin as a finger, all without the slightest difficulty. He had picked "Tree Whiffler" as one of his starting character attributes, and so could run through the trees as fast as he could on the ground. Graphics engines and collision physics being what they were nowadays, tree running was just as good and fun as walking, and it helped to avoid some of the more annoying and repetitive encounters on the ground. Fully kitted out in traveling clothes and weaponry he still moved like a big red blur, just enjoying the movement and the wonderment of being immersed in a forest wonderland.

Legends of Redwall was supposed to be the most perfect immersive experience ever crafted. It was a crown jewel of gaming in Akron's opinion. He'd know. But then, few people had heard of a children's book series about fuzzy animals who chopped each other's heads off, and fewer still actually enjoyed the idea of going to such a place that was quite frankly not very child-friendly at all. But then that just made the sparse population all the better and easier to enjoy the place.

Life was good.

Until suddenly, he collided with a ferret lounging around in a tree. The game's physics engine pulled through, so instead of just stopping in mid-air, their bodies came together in a sudden smash of flailing rag doll limbs. The two avatars tumbled down and out, collapsing to the ground. Their joints bent to awkward angles as they struck the space between tree and ground. As they hit the ground, Akron's neck ended up completely bent backwards while the ferret's legs and arms were twisted in ways that would make a contortionist cry.

His body snapped upright like a rubber band, and suddenly he was standing in a relaxed pose, one paw on his hip and the other twirling a dagger as he shifted weight from footpaw to footpaw. Over and over and over again. He didn't seem to be doing anything except exactly that.

Akron came up to a more ready position, occasionally glancing back and forth, blinking with the inexperienced awe of some beast who had only just gone beyond adolescence, and holding his paws loosely but readily at his sides. Over and over and over again.

"Pardon me, good sir! You seem to have gotten in the way of my forest frolicking! I can see you're a vermin, but I am a forgiving beast and will treat with you peaceably if your intentions are honorable! May I have you name?" Akron said through the voice chat.

The ferret still stood there, twirling his dagger.

"Hey, I'm talking to you!"

Still more petulant dagger twirls. Akron politely waited another eighteen seconds.

"DUDE OMG SRSLY SAY SOMETHING!" he typed and said at the same time. The ferret abruptly came to 'life' by waving his arms around.

"What, what! Hey man, quit your whining! What the heck is your problem?"

"What do you mean, 'hey man?'" he snapped, adding emphasis to his words with a /point emote. His avatar jutted a claw towards the ferret most deftly. "You're the one who got in my way! I mean… oh, wait."

He /clear throat-ed and began again.

"Explain your actions here and now, vermin, or I will be forced to take action!"

"Whatever," the ferret said, waving off the squirrel's anger with /wave. "I was AFK. I left my character here to scout out for the crows, but I come back and find out you ruined my camouflage bonus! Way to screw up the stakeout, noob!"

"I'm not a noob! I mean… I am not lacking in experience, vermin. I simply wasn't expecting another creature to suddenly appear in my path!" He /shrugged. "And on top of that, this is Mossflower Wood, and you haven't answered my question! What is a vermin like yourself doing in this place of peace and plenty?"

"Why the heck are you talking like that?" the ferret asked with a dagger twirl, which was done with a flourish for effect.

"I'm a squirrel, you dummy!" Akron said, and would have stamped his footpaw if they had programmed that in. "I'm supposed to talk that way, especially to stupid ferrets!"

"Way to break the species barrier there."

"Oh… oh, right. Thanks for reminding me! I didn't even say hello right. I have a whole backstory to tell you!"

Immediately the ferret knew who he was really dealing with. This was no mere noob who had wandered into his killing ground. This was a creature that might actually harm his reputation. Someone who could even probably harm him directly. One that could make him a gibbering, pitiful wreck with just a few melodramatic turns of phrase and suicide charges against any foe. This squirrel, while unassuming and inexperienced, was one of the most incomprehensible and dangerous creatures in the Redwall world.

This was a _role-player._

"I am Akron, son of Arovar, the greatest arrow fletcher in the land! My ancestry is of the great squirrel house of Kirran, which many ages ago was laid waste by their arch nemesis, the ferret lords of the White Horde! When I was a child, my father brought me up with glorious tales of old, singing of the days when we had power and honor and ruled with a just paw over the forest of Indrigale! I came to the shores of Mossflower when I was taken by corsairs from the Eastern Continent as a slave, but as fate would have it, a rebellion arose led by yours truly, though the ship crashed here in the chaos. And one day, when my skills have grown, I will return to my ancestral homeland and reclaim our old home, and-"

"Yeah, yeah, family dead, slavery, tragedy, whatever."

"Yes. It is very sad!"

"Right, give me a moment while I find it in my heart to care… moment's over. Still not caring."

"Well what about you, good sir? What brought you to these lands? The search for riches? Revenge? Wanderlust? Perhaps you have a fair maid you are searching for from your childhood!"

The ferret turned around surprisingly fluidly. They must have patched the animations over the holidays.

"I'm doing this for the fun of it! You know, it's pretty natural for a guy like me to find a nice, quiet game where he can just slaughter noobs to his heart's content. Hey, here comes one now!"

A friendly woodland stoat NPC just happened to be walking by at that point, and suddenly was overtaken by a critical strike from one of the ferret's throwing daggers. A dagger slammed into his forehead, and the NPC fell over in a stilted death pose, spraying blood dramatically all over the place.

"BOOM, headshot!" the ferret announced, hurrying over to loot the body, rejoicing at the +175 EXP he had just received. Akron seemed shocked, flabbergasted, even slightly bamboozled. He quickly drew his bow and arrow and hurried after him.

"Well I could have made that shot!" he objected. "I mean it wasn't… wasn't _that _great…"

He bent over the body and began inspecting it for anything that the ferret might have left behind. It wasn't much. How did he get so good at throwing weapons? Nobody was that good at throwing weapons! They sucked!

"Hey, um… I mean, good sir! I say, good sir!" he called after the ferret, who was already distracted with hacking into a group of friendly NPC travelers that had just happened to be walking by. Akron watched on in vague horror as the ferret gleefully slashed them to bloody, pitiful ribbons, singing a little song to himself. Mouse after mouse after squirrel went down screaming from their huddled cowardly poses.

"Killing some noobs, killing some noobs, spilling all the blood and dancing to their painful screams, killing some noobs, killing some-"

"GAH! Will you stop that?!" Akron finally demanded with an extremely emphatic emote wave of his arms. "I can feel my karma going down just by watching! Look, I have an offer for you… you're a rogue, right?"

"Excuse me, I am not a rogue! This isn't World of Warcraft, little role-player," the ferret said with an implicit sniff of disdain. He chucked his dagger into the back of a fleeing mouse, who threw his arms up and screamed dramatically before rag-dolling to the ground, and set about looting the bodies.

"I am but a humble river pirate seeking to level my way up to brigand, and eventually, bandit lord. Then all of you will bow down to me!"

Akron /fist-shak-ed. "You're nothing but a murdering coward, vermin! If I were not stymied by my consternation you would be showering this forest in blood!"

"If you weren't stickied by what now? You role-players are so easy to bait into your silly speeches."

"Silence, vermin!" Akron said, since he was on a roll now. "Even if you're just a river pirate I might have use for you. I can see your combat abilities outstrip that of the common vermin, and Fate has decreed we cross paths that you may have a chance at redemption! Not far from this part of the forest a dark and evil creature has been claiming lives faster than even your daggers. Come with me, and let us destroy this foul creature together! We will win glory, honor, the love of the forest folk, and you will be no longer recognized as a maligned vermin! You could be a hero! And-"

"Sounds dumb."

"And there's gonna be a _big _reward!"

"Sounds great!"

"Excellent! Try and keep up, good sir!"

"I'm Zach."

"… Zach?"

"Yeah. My name."

"What, that… that's it? Just Zach? What about a backstory?"

"Well, I'm a river pirate. And I kill people. And… I like blood."

"Nothing else?"

"I figured the whole 'I like blood' thing is sufficient."

"But why Zach? Why not something… cool?"

"At least I don't sound like I'm named after some diseased wild flower," Zach retorted.

"Look, this is Redwall! _Legends _of Redwall! You gotta have a better name than that to be a Legend."

"Too late. I'm not gonna log out just so I can change my stupid name."

"Fine then…" Akron put a paw to his chin and swayed thoughtfully. "I will call you Zalgan."

"What? No way!"

"Try and keep up, Zalgan! That evil beast will not wait to claim another victim!" Akron was already dashing into the forest.

Zach stood in silence, considering just letting the squirrel go off and get himself killed so he could go trade his loot at the nearest vermin outpost. But the thought of even _more _loot and bloodletting was very intriguing, and slowly he started off, leaving behind about eight or nine corpses on the road for some other hapless player to find.

"Big reward, Zach… just focus on the reward. This better be worth it…"

---

All too soon they were in the caves beneath Mossflower, slowly creeping through the dark, dank passages and fighting off cave dwelling toads and dangerous, abnormally large insects. Along the way, Akron had managed to gain a couple levels in his woodland survival skills, successfully creating a lean-to for them to idle under while Zach got some dinner, and even putting together a healing kit so Zach could heal up after he had been caught in a trap looting an abandoned vermin camp.

Mostly, Zach just murdered anyone and anything they came across.

"Did you have to slaughter that poor NPC molemaid?"

"I couldn't even read the retarded gibberish that is molespeak. It was just a stupid fetch-quest anyway."

"Well, did you have to do it before I even finished saying hello?! She might have had something important to say."

"What, other than 'Good sir, durr-hurr-hurr?"

"You're awfully critical for a fan of Redwall."

"Pfft. Just because I read the books doesn't mean I'm gonna worship them. Besides, I need something to kill! That's pretty much the only useful thing to do anyway if you want to level up. Eventually my karma's gonna get low enough woodlanders will send out bounty hunters. And that's when it'll get _fun. _Are we there yet?"

"Almost. You ferrets are even more impatient than a squirrel child after a bowl of candied chestnuts! And anyway, for being so skilled you're terrible at making a torch."

"It _always _works the sixth time, I'm telling you!"

"Well, that's what role-playing does for you! You become good at everything, not just killing."

"We're in this cave to kill something. I'm good at killing somethings. I think that's all we need to worry about."

"Quiet!"

"What?"

"I heard something."

"Of course you heard something, that's the ambient soundtrack you moron."

"No, I mean my Woodlander Sense has picked up something else… it's big, and it's close!"

"All right, finally!" Zach pulled out his knives and went into a combat pose. "Something bigger than insects to squash. Where is it?"

"Stop talking! Just follow me and stay close…"

They began picking their way along, both of them crouched in sneaking mode. Zach found it a little strange that they were trying to sneak along when they were both illuminated by a torch, but as long as they got in the first hit he could get the advantage of a critical sneaking bonus. The game was advanced enough that this mysterious, horrible monster could 'hear' them when they spoke, so he didn't say a word.

"Look there!" Akron said as they rounded a corner. They were in a much larger cavern now, somewhere near a small mountain range in northern Mossflower, and there was a long, shallow pool in the middle. Glowing fungus lit up most of the cavern, revealing the high, arching ceiling, but what really drew the eyes was the way the light glistened off the slick, slimy scales of the thing that was residing partially in the pool. This was it… this was what they had been looking for. Glory, honor, and a big reward! Zach peered over Akron's shoulder to see, to his utter and distinct horror, the monstrosity they had been seeking!

"Uh… the mudskip?"

"Yes! THE MUDSKIP!"

The creature, which barely reached the height of one's knee, burbled and flopped about in the water as part of its idling animations. The creature had been created to fill out the somewhat sparse bestiary of the Redwall world, and the numerous caves and ancient monsters Jacques had always mentioned were the perfect place to put in weird, dangerous animals. Mudskips, however, were more weird than dangerous. It was ugly, to be sure, looking like a cross between a fish and a frog and a real life mudskipper. Other than that it just sat there. Mudskips were notoriously stupid, and not even what they had said alerted the beast. Instead it continued to make little bubbling noises and harmlessly flop its fins about.

Zach stared in abject incredulity.

"You… have _got _to be kidding._ That's_ the horrible creature we've been questing after?"

"Yes, yes! This is the monster we've been seeking! This hideous thing is responsible for terrorizing the countryside! What a foul creature it is too!"

"Dude, this isn't even as strong as an NPC!"

Zach stalked into the open, not even bothering to get his weapons out; this thing could be killed with his bare paws! He sloshed into the pool and stood right next to the happy hopping monster.

"Zalgan!" Akron hissed. "What are you doing? You'll alert the creature!"

"I can kill this thing just by stepping on it! See, look at it try to bite me. Not even five damage per hit."

"Zalgan! Stop playing the fool! You don't know what else is out there! Don't forget we have to kill twenty of these horrors!"

"Uh… twenty of them?"

"Yes! And bring their hides back to the leatherworker in Redwall!"

"For what, mudskip head helmets?"

"With a whole 5% damage protection!"

"I knew this was a terrible idea…" Zach said, shaking his head as the mudskip gnawed on his leg. "So go back to the part where we have to kill twenty of them. I don't see twenty of these things. The pool isn't even deep enough to hide them."

"Oh, don't worry. They're all around you!"

"They're _what?!"_

Zach looked down again. Out of nowhere, the cavern pool had suddenly and magically become clogged… with mudskips. It must have been a spawn point for the little critters, and Zach had been led right into it by the role-player's incompetence. The ferret glanced around at the big crowd of wide-eyed, burbling, hopping creatures. Every last one of them seemed to be staring directly at him. For a moment, there were only the sounds of water dripping from the ceiling, the sound of the mudskip that was already chomping on Zach's leg, and the occasional burp of the mudskip horde.

Mudskips were normally easy to handle alone… but this many…

Zach slowly drew his daggers.

"Oh. _'Gates."_

The mudskips pounced as one, and for the next few seconds there was only the sight of mudskips clipping and clumping together and opening and closing their mouths in an attack animation, creating a giant messy brown blob of gaping jaws, thrashing fins, and flopping fishy bodies. It was a rather horrific sight The only clue that Zach was in the middle of the melee was his high pitched screaming and cursing, and the little red numbers that were popping up every second or so to show he was taking damage. A constant stream of 0's, 1's, and 2's seemed to pop up over his furry ears, the only part of him still visible under the heaving mass of mudskips.

"I guess my Woodlander Sense got confused," Akron admitted obliviously. "It mistook all these smaller mudskips for one bigger creature! Ho ho, I _told _you these foul mudskips were crafty! What demonic intelligence!"

"SHUT UP AND HELP ME!" Zach shouted, and Akron thought he could see the flash of a dagger slashing into a mudskip's maw. Or was that just the flash of a tooth?

"Don't worry, Zalgan my comrade! You might be nothing more than a vermin, but your honorable assistance has convinced me of your better nature! Now stand back and watch as my bow cuts into these mighty creatures!"

Akron drew his bow and arrows, and charged up his attack with his First Strike ability. He began to pull back the string, and around him a shimmering aura gathered, moving from his footpaws to the tip of his arrow… and with that, he let fly.

_Thunk._

"What was that?! I just lost sixty more hit-points!"

Akron stared for a moment.

"Oh, uh, yes… obviously there's an _alpha _mudskip somewhere in that crowd!"

"Stop! Talking! More! Shooting!"

"Don't worry, brave companion, I will just draw my sword and lay waste to these vile creatures! Hurrah!"

Akron whipped out his sword and jumped into the fray, hacking and slashing like an expert, weapon twirling, blood splashing into the pool and turning the once vibrant blue waters a sickening red.

"Die, foul creatures! Your doom has come!"

To everyone's surprise, even the mudskips, the crowd was dispersed with Akron leaped into them, scattering the mudskips like nine-pins as the game caught up with their glitchy mobbing, splitting them once more into individual creatures. Akron began chasing them about one by one as they humped and burbled back into an effective attack formation. Zach, meanwhile, had been knocked to the ground, and the uneven surface prevented his body from settling enough that he could get back up. This was complicated by a couple mudskips attached to his legs, dragging him into the pool.

"Noobie! Akorn! HELP! They're dragging me down! I'll never recover my body in here, help me up!!!"

"Away from my comrade, vile beasts!" Akron shouted, shooting his bow once more.

_Thunk._

Akron cheered. Zach found no reason to rejoice. The arrow had slammed into his arm, pinning it to the rocks, and now he was in a brutal tug-of-war between hungry mudskips and the flimsy arrow stuck into the ground, his rag-doll body flopping like the mudskips attacking him.

"Oh. _This _is definitely an improvement."

"What? I stopped them, didn't I?"

"Get me up, Akorn!"

"Akron."

"Whatever! Just get these things off me so we can kill them!"

"Huzzah!"

Akron went on the attack again and slashed off the mudskips. Zach managed to hobble his way to his feet, since the limb damage he had taken was considerable.

"All right… now it's my turn! Stand back, noob, I'll show you how it's done!"

He took two steps, staring down the mudskip mob, and growled viciously. Covered in blood, lips turned back in a snarl, even Akron backed away a few steps. He had to find a way to incorporate all this into his fanfiction!

Zach meanwhile was just relishing the idea of paying back all these monsters for every little scratch on his body. Now it was time for revenge! He attempted to activate his Battle Charge ability... and began staggering. With a horrified gasp he realized what was wrong. He couldn't even swing both his arms at once, and he couldn't use any of his special abilities with his arms half-chewed off. He attempted to attack a mudskip, and made a terribly clumsy swing that didn't even reach the creature. Throwing his knife just sent in spiraling into the ceiling. All at once the mudskips were on the offensive again, and the two of them were having a terrible time fighting them off. Akron was the only one making any headway, while poor Zach was just flailing his bleeding gashed arms about.

"What the?! Oh, no… my limb damage is too high! I can't fight like this! Noob! Give me some healing herbs!" he commanded as he managed to jab a lucky strike into a mudskip's eye.

"I don't have any!" Akron answered as he split open a mudskip skull, which made more of a squishing noise than a crunching one. Some said mudskips were practically made of the mud they lived in.

"What?! WHY NOT?!"

"I used them healing up all the throats you were slashing open, that's why!"

"You used your healing herbs… on guys that can't even talk back."

"And I got +2 karma for each one! I'm practically a Shining Beacon by now! Now prepare for glory, Zalgan! We will die fighting for the glory of Mossflower, back to back, heads held high! Two friends fighting to the end! If only we had someone nearby to write a song about our great deeds!"

"I don't want any song about me to relate how I was gnawed to death by mudskips! All I want are some freaking healing herbs!"

"Well why don't you have any?"

"I never needed them until I met you! How was I supposed to know you'd drag me into a cave of death?! It didn't occur to you that we might need those herbs later?!"

Zach stared levelly at Akron, not even heeding the now massive horde of mudskips that was advancing on them, so many now that not even the two of them could fight them off. Akron would be overwhelmed being a noob, and Zach wouldn't be able to use his death as a decoy since he'd just be able to move at a slow limp. It was over. Death by mudskips. Akron just shrugged.

"I needed them _when _you were trying to kill people. That's what you get for being so anti-social."

The mudskips had reorganized and surrounded them by now, and were just a couple feet away. Zach only shook his head.

"… I hate you."

"See? That's _exactly _what I mean."

---

A/N: Yep… just a dumb little one-shot about life in a Redwall MMORPG. At least it got my creative juices flowing again! I might even make this into a part-time series.


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